The Baby Tree
by The CheezHead
Summary: Set after The Lost Colony. Artemis faces his most terrifying challenge yet: being a big brother. How can he successfully interact with these toddlers, when he never allowed himself to have a proper childhood? One-shot.


"_I see," said Butler. "Just don't do it around the twins."_

"_Don't worry," said Artemis. "I won't." Then his brain computed what Butler had actually said._

"_What twins?"_

_Butler punched in the Fowl Manor phone number, smiling. "Maybe time stood still for you, big brother, but it didn't for the rest of us."_

_Artemis stumbled to the room's only chair and sank into it._

_Big brother? he thought, and then . . . _

_Twins!_

The Lost Colony – Eoin Colfer

* * *

**The Baby Tree**

Artemis sat in the back of the Bentley, mind still reeling from the shock. He was a big brother. So much had changed in such a short amount of time (for him, at least), how was he going to adjust? He then mentally scoffed at himself. He was a genius, of course he would adjust. But it would help to know exactly what he was up against.

"Butler, exactly how much has changed since I've been gone?"

"Aside from the twins, nothing tremendous. But I daresay they've brought a substantial amount of change."

"Tell me about them, Butler."

Butler chuckled quietly, "Oh they're a riot all right. Myles is a lot like you were, scientific and intelligent. Beckett . . . well Beckett is a normal child, albeit with a strong imagination." Butler paused. "At least, what I imagine a normal child would be like."

Artemis smiled to himself. Yes, he supposed Butler wouldn't have dealt with many normal children, since Artemis would put a substantial amount of fairy gold on the fact that he and Juliet had been the only children Butler had ever spent a considerable amount of time with. At least previously.

"I imagine they would've been quite the handful for your mother to deal with if it hadn't been for Lexi."

"Their bodyguard? I'm presuming she's not a Butler, since I'm sure I would've heard of her before."

Butler shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He wasn't sure how Artemis would react to this bit of news, "Well she's not exactly a bodyguard; more of a nanny really." Butler rushed through his explanation before Artemis could interrupt. "You see, with the family being legitimate and all now, and with the absence of any available Butlers, your father didn't find it necessary to go through the extensive process of finding a top notch bodyguard. And then Juliet mentioned Lexi to me and I told your father and we agreed it was a good solution."

Artemis stiffened. "How exactly does a nanny qualify as a substitute for a bodyguard?"

"Well, Juliet met Lexi when she was wrestling in the States. Lexi was the younger sister of one of the wrestlers, Angie the Ox or something like that. And since Lexi grew up around wrestlers, she developed a lot of defense skills and knowledge. Not to mention the fact that she's great with kids."

Artemis felt some of his tension dissipate. He supposed it was relief at the twins not being left completely unprotected. It was surprising how quickly his big brother instincts had kicked in.

Artemis spent the rest of the ride in silence, digesting this information. It was only when he spotted the gates to the Manor that he lost his train of thought and felt a pit settle at the bottom of his stomach.

Butler glanced at his charge in the rearview mirror. "It'll just be your parents at first. They wanted a chance to talk to you and find out what happened before introducing Myles and Beckett to you. They also didn't want you to be overwhelmed by the twins at first."

"I trust you didn't share anything about the fairies to anyone besides my parents." Artemis felt some of the old cold edge seep into his voice.

"No, sir. Just your parents."

"Good. The fewer variables the better."

Butler brought the Bentley to a stop and Artemis exited the back seat. He mentally braced himself before entering the Manor.

The main entrance was just as he had remembered it. He couldn't help but smile at the unexpected familiarity. His mother appeared in the doorway directly in front of him.

"Arty?" she whispered, her lips trembling and her eyes wide with hope and glassy from unshed tears. "My baby!" She didn't give him time to respond before running to him and engulfing him in her motherly embrace.

He caught the comforting scent of her perfume and found himself fighting back tears as he hugged his mother back. He was home.

His father appeared behind his mother. "Son," he uttered before joining in their embrace.

After what felt like all too soon, his parents let go of him. "Come," his mother said, wiping tears from her face. "There's so much we need to talk about."

Artemis swallowed. He wasn't thrilled about using the mesmer on his parents, but it was clearly the best solution. Besides, he told himself, he did truly have their best interests at heart.

He followed his parents into the sitting room, sitting in the chair across from them. He couldn't help but notice how tired and stressed they looked underneath their joy. And he was sure he spotted a few wrinkles and grey hairs that hadn't been there before.

He spoke before his parents could. He didn't think he could deal with hearing about their anxiety and their fears and ideas of Butler's mental stability (or lack thereof). He focused on conjuring up the mesmer.

"Don't worry about where I've been for the past three years. Forget all your stress caused by my disappearance. All that matters is that I'm home safe now. Butler never mentioned fairies or any other fantastical things to you."

Artemis saw the internal struggle before the peace signaling his success settled over their faces.

His mother looked at him with shining eyes," Oh Arty! I'm so glad to have you home."

Artemis smiled lovingly at his mother, "And now, I would very much like to meet my brothers."

Even as he said it, Artemis knew how much of a lie it was. He was terrified of meeting them. He had no idea how to act around children, much less be a good person for them to look up to.

His father strolled over to the intercom, unaware of his son's inner turmoil, "Lexi, could you bring the twins down to the sitting room now?"

A few seconds later, the response crackled out, "Sure thing, Mr. Fowl."

Artemis felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest. He couldn't recall getting this worked up over something so seemingly trivial before. Somehow all the books he'd read (and written) on child psychology seemed inadequate in preparing him to handle the real thing.

The sound of uneven, shuffling footsteps alerted Artemis to their approach. A short girl appeared in the doorway, sporting a toddler on her back and one clutching her leg. Artemis presumed this was the Lexi girl.

The twin upon her back had tears streaming down his face and the child on her leg looked somewhat nervous as well. Upon seeing Artemis, the toddler on her back let out a scream and buried his face in her hair.

Artemis felt his heart stop. Were they really that adverse to having a big brother?

The nanny smiled sheepishly at his parents' inquisitive expressions, "I might've told them that we needed to stay in the playroom because some clowns were coming to visit and if they went downstairs while the clowns were still here, the clowns might steal them and take them away to the circus."

Instead of reprimanding the girl like Artemis expected, Angeline laughed. "Beckett, Myles, this is not a clown. This is your brother, Artemis. He's come home."

The toddler clutching the nanny's leg immediately let go and wiped the worry from his face. "I knew there were no clowns."

At his twin's statement, the other one peeked out from behind the nanny's hair. "Myles sure?"

Artemis surmised that this meant the one on her back was Beckett.

The nanny spoke for Myles, "Yes. That's not a clown. Now time for you to get down and meet your brother." Beckett obligingly slid down her back and stood next to his brother. "Well go on." She gave the twins a little push towards Artemis. She then directed her attention towards Angeline. "If you need me, I'll be in the kitchen." Angeline dismissed her with a smile and a nod.

Beckett walked to where Artemis was sitting and carefully scrutinized him.

"You Artemis?"

"Yes."

"You brother?"

"Yes."

"You no clown?"

"No, I'm not a clown."

"Good boy!" Apparently Artemis passed the toddler's test because Beckett patted his knee and gestured for Myles to come over, while his parents beamed at them.

An hour or so later, Artemis was overcome with exhaustion. Lexi had taken the twins up to bed a little while ago and he was grateful for the ensuing calm. He still was unsure of how to deal with them and he was pretty sure they were wary of him as well.

He had intended on staying up with his parents a little longer, but he found he wanted some time to himself to mull over the events of the day (and perhaps make a call to Holly).

As he was walking down the hall to his room, he heard a sweet soprano voice singing what he presumed to be a lullaby. Strangely compelled to hear more, he followed the sound until he was outside what must've been the twins' room.

But the lullaby must've ended because the voice stopped singing.

Artemis frowned in disappointment. The twins must have shared his sentiments because he heard them complaining through the crack in the door.

"One more, Lexi. Please."

"Now boys, you've had a long day. It's time for sleep."

"No sleep! 'Nother song!"

The nanny laughed. "Fine. But only one more. Then sleep. No complaining."

"Yay!"

Artemis listened closely as she began to sing again.

"_There's an island way out in the sea_

_Where the babies they all grow on trees_

_And it's jolly good fun to swing in the sun_

_But you gotta watch out if you sneeze sneeze_

_You gotta watch out if you sneeze_

_Yeah you gotta watch out if you sneeze_

_For swinging up there in the breeze_

_You're liable to cough, you might very well fall off_

_And tumble down flop on your knees knees_

_Tumble down flop on your knees_

_And when the stormy winds wail_

_And the breezes blow high in a gale_

_There's a curious flopping and plopping and dropping_

_As fat little babies just hail hail_

_Fat little babies just hail_

_And the babies lie there in a pile_

_And the grown ups they come after awhile_

_They always pass by all the babies that cry_

_And take only babies that smile smile_

_Take only babies that smile_

_Even triplets and twins if they'll smile."_

As he was listening to the simple melody, Artemis realized that this was the first time he'd ever truly heard a lullaby. He was familiar with them of course, but he'd never before encountered one in the proper context. As a child genius, he'd been so desperate to be taken seriously that he wouldn't allow his mother to shower him with affection. And of course, his father hadn't approved such frivolity at the time either. He'd never realized how depressing his childhood was: no lullabies, no bedtime stories, just the desire to prove himself to his father and escape the dotings of his mother. And when his father disappeared, he'd been forced to grow up even faster and take on the responsibilities of the family fortune.

But, with a start, Artemis realized that the only one who had forced him to assume responsibility was himself. No one had really expected an eleven year old boy to shoulder such responsibility. But he had insisted upon it. No wonder he was terrified of the twins; he had no idea how to act around children, simply because he'd never allowed himself to be one.

The sound of a closing door jolted him from his thoughts. The nanny was standing in front of him, grinning sheepishly; the door to the twins' room now closed behind her.

"Hi. We weren't formally introduced before. I'm Lexi." She held out a hand.

"Artemis." He shook it, unable to keep from cringing at the stickiness of it.

She laughed at his expression. "Sorry about that. Stickiness tends to happen when you're dealing with toddlers all day."

He nodded, wanting to say something else, but not entirely sure what.

Perhaps she sensed his inclination, because she continued. "I was just heading down to make myself a cup of tea, if you'd like to join me."

"Tea would be lovely."

"Excellent. Off we go then." Artemis followed Lexi down the hallway and down the stairs. She surprised him by jumping past the last two steps and landing with a thud. Artemis chose to not follow her lead and instead walked down the entire flight like a normal human being.

He found the girl in the kitchen setting up the kettle. Although he reflected, he shouldn't really think of her as a girl, seeing as she looked to be in her early twenties. But he supposed his inclination to think of her as a girl probably had to do with the fact that she acted much younger than she seemed. Perching on one of the stools at the island, he observed her. Her movements seemed to have an absent minded quality about them; she put the kettle on the stove, pulled two mugs from the cupboard, went back and turned the flame on under the kettle. Artemis wasn't really sure what to make of her.

"What kind would you like?"

"Earl Grey."

"What's the magic word?" Artemis looked at her in shock (and probably a little distaste). She blushed and quickly amended her apparent mistake. "Sorry. It's kind of a habit. I'm trying to teach the twins manners right now."

"Ahh, I see."

She got out two tea bags and put them in the mugs. Then she curled up onto the stool across from Artemis. They sat there in awkward silence for a few moments.

"So, uh, it must be weird for you to come home and suddenly be a big brother."

Artemis wasn't feeling too kindly towards the nanny after her magic word crack, but it wouldn't do him any good to be nasty, since she was, in all likelihood, going to be around for a while. And she was obviously trying to be friendly.

"Yes, it definitely is. After being the only child for so long, it's going to take some adjusting."

She laughed. "I'll say. I was so jealous the day my parents brought my little sister home from the hospital."

Funny, jealousy wasn't one of the emotions he'd experienced. Anxiety, yes. Fear, yes. But jealousy? It hadn't even occurred to him.

"I can assure you, I am most certainly not jealous."

She didn't seem taken aback at all by his statement, "You're probably too old to go through the jealousy stage at this point."

The kettle whistled and Lexi unfurled herself from the stool. She poured out the hot water while calling over her shoulder, "Milk? Sugar? Honey?"

"No, thank you."

She carried over the mugs and set one down before him. With the other one still in her hands, she curled back up on the stool.

He opened his mouth to ask her a question before changing his mind and saying something entirely different, "That was an interesting lullaby you sang the twins. There's nothing like babies falling from trees to help lull them to sleep."

She laughed. "Well they're a hard pair to please. I tried _Twinkle, Twinkle _but then Myles proceeded to tell me that stars can't be like diamonds, because they're actually gaseous or something like that. And Beckett didn't enjoy _Rock a Bye Baby_ since the baby and cradle fall from the tree."

Artemis quirked an eyebrow at her. "But babies fall from trees in the one you sang tonight, no?"

"Yes, well _Rock a Bye Baby_ has more of an ambiguous ending. The baby and cradle fall from the tree, but that's where the song ends. In _The Baby Tree_, the babies are taken home to be loved by parents, so you know everything's going to be happy."

"And the babies that don't smile?"

"Serves them right." She paused. "Kidding."

Silence descended upon the kitchen again. He stared into the depths of the mug, swallowing his pride so he could ask the question he intended to before. "Did the twins . . . did they say anything about me?" He forced himself to meet her gaze and was glad to see she was smiling kindly at him.

"Well Beckett still needed reassurance that you weren't a clown." Again she smiled sheepishly. "Sorry about his reaction to you by the way. He has a rather overactive imagination and I've found that unorthodox methods work better than say threats of no dessert or early bedtime."

Artemis managed a tight smile. "Yes, your methods do seem to be quite unorthodox." He hesitated. "And Myles?"

"Myles is thrilled since he'd heard how much like you he is. He wanted to show you all his 'speriments' today, but I managed to convince him that you'd be tired and could see them tomorrow." He cocked an eyebrow at her. "And no, I didn't use any unorthodox methods. Myles is generally more cooperative than Beckett."

He mulled over this information. He'd been hearing about the similarities between him and Myles all day, but as far as he could tell, the similarities were limited to intellect. Artemis had never been as trusting or childlike as Myles was. The toddler didn't seem afraid to laugh or come off as childish; he had played with Beckett, only occasionally calling him a 'simple-toon.' And Artemis was sure he'd heard Myles begging for another lullaby along with his brother tonight, something Artemis never would've done (let alone listen to a lullaby in the first place).

"Well, speak of the devil," Lexi muttered to herself, getting up and walking towards the door.

Artemis turned and saw Myles standing in the doorway of the kitchen.

"What's the matter, boo?" asked Lexi, picking the toddler up and hefting him onto her hip. Artemis couldn't help but think what a ridiculous term of endearment 'boo' was.

"You didn't give me my ear infection medication," the boy stated.

Fondly Lexi ruffled his hair, "That's cause you don't need to take it anymore, silly." Myles frowned (Artemis supposed it was at being called 'silly'). "Now, it is most definitely time for you to be in bed. Do I need to take you upstairs?" The toddler shook his head, staring at Artemis. Lexi put him down, noticing where he was looking. "No, you cannot show Artemis your experiments tonight. And if you don't go up to bed quickly, he might not want to see them tomorrow either." She winked at Artemis, while the toddler's eyes widened in fear. "Now scoot!"

The toddler obliged, going as quickly as his tiny legs would let him. The girl sat down across from him again. "Told you he adored you."

Artemis couldn't help but frown. "Yes, I see that."

She appraised him carefully. "Then why so glum chum?"

He didn't really want to tell the nanny about his apprehension, but perhaps she could help. And if she did try to mock him for it, well he was sure he could devise a way to get back at her. "Well, I don't really know how to act around children. I didn't really have much of a childhood myself."

"That doesn't surprise me one bit."

"Really?" He was feeling cold towards her again.

"Well from what I know you were a child genius with no companions your own age. It's no wonder you grew up so fast. You didn't have anyone letting you be a child." He nodded, indicating for her to continue. "Guess which twin I'm more worried about."

What an odd question, he thought. "Beckett, I would say. Since he possesses no great intellect, he'll need extra attention to prevent him from feeling lesser or inadequate."

She shook her head. "Nope, trick question. I worry about them both the same. Beckett for the reasons you just mentioned, but I worry for Myles just as much. I don't want him to rush growing up simply because he's a genius. Just because he's super smart, doesn't mean he should miss out on having a normal childhood."

Artemis nodded, understanding the logic of her words all too well. If someone had been around to make him be a child when he was one, how differently would he have turned out? He supposed he would never truly know.

Lexi got up, having finished her tea and put her mug in the sink. "Y'know, it's not too late for you to still have something of a childhood. And kids are a lot easier to relate to when you're willing to act like them."

So that was why he couldn't figure her out before. Despite being a twenty-something year old, she wasn't afraid to occasionally (or more than occasionally) act like a child. He had never encountered anyone before who willingly acted like a child.

She paused before exiting the room, grinning at him. "And next time you want to listen to a lullaby, you don't have to skulk in the hallway. Feel free to come in the room. G'night."

Artemis watched her as she left, thinking about what she had said. Maybe, just maybe, she was right. Maybe it wasn't too late for him to have a slice of childhood. He couldn't see any harm in trying out her theory . . . tomorrow. Right now he had a call he wanted to make.

* * *

Author's Note: The song mentioned in this fic (_The Baby Tree_) is in fact real. If you're at all interested in hearing it, you can find it here: h t t p : / / w w w . y o u t u b e . c o m / w a t c h ? v = R k z 4 s a f z 1 D o & f e a t u r e = r e l a t e d (just remove the spaces). Any feedback you guys have would be much appreciated, so please review (I'd really appreciate any thoughts on Lexi, since I had a very definite picture of her in my mind, but I'm not sure how that image translated).


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